This is not something that just came into my mind and I started rambling about it. I really and badly need it. I’m going to ruin all my relationships with people if this doesn’t get under control. It makes me do stupid things. Not just stupid, but really really stupid.
I end up blaming my friends for something that I did. Ofcourse, the apology part kicks in later which also has its own self pride thing going on. If I apologize twice and that person doesn’t accept it, he/she is dead again.
I feel that lately some kind of evil has struck me. When I was thinking about this for a few minutes of peace, I realized that I wasn’t like this till my high school. I used to be this damn helpful person who’d say ”yes” to anything. And yeah, I WOULD say yes to even cleaning people’s toenails and stuff. Yeah, I was that generous.
But then ever since I entered college, I started performing really badly in studies and stuff and it took away the helpful nature within me. Maybe because I used to feel that people wouldn’t really ask help from a underperforming student like me. Low self esteem just kicked right in. And it’s true, I’d say straight on ”NO(s)” to people who asked for help probably because I knew that I suck at studies anyway — I can’t help 🙁
This negativity is like a magnet that has stuck onto me. The worst thing now is that I get intimidated to work with people who are a bit alright a lot genius than I am. Wait, I’m not a genius? See! I did it again.
This exact quality in me has struck out all the sensitiveness and sweetness in me 🙁 I am rude to people. I get jealous of people. I also act too insecured thinking that I might lose out on something or everything.
I fight a lot with everyone. I get angry for no reason. I fight with my parents. I fight with my friends. I fight with my dog. Wait, I don’t have a dog. She’s dead. I fight with myself. I curse myself. I fight with my life. I fight with god. Everything! Funny how I wrote a post on the blame game previously but
I need a break. I need to calm down. I need to find myself back. 🙁 I miss her. I miss the old ana. Just wish I could be like that again. Who always wanted to help people and never say no to anything. Also, a little bit of positiveness will help me a lot.
I know I am the wrong one. I am doing all the wrong things. There’s got to be a way to get past this. Writing used to help me before but I can go on and on about this — still won’t make a difference.
*butt kicks anger*
I need HELP! 🙁